Women and work.

In this article I would like to talk about work and women who marry foreigners and move to another country. The work issue needs to be discussed as soon as possible – preferably, at the first stage of becoming acquainted with one another. If the potential partners have different ideas and plans about work, their relationship is very likely to fail. It doesn’t make any sense to avoid talking about work because this issue will surface sooner or later anyway.

Before you start looking for a Russian wife, it is important to understand that any woman will agree to change her life so radically and move to another country only if she knows that this marriage and relocation will change her life for the better, not worse. Every woman has a different idea about what is this “better”. Any kind of a relatively well to do, comfortable life will seem like a paradise to a woman who has a low paid job, survives from paycheck to paycheck, has debts, eats bad food, and wears the same blouse for five years. She’ll learn the language of her new country and will be able to get a low paid job similar to that which she used to have in Russia. However, a woman who has higher education, a well-paid, professional job, an apartment and a car, and who is used to get things that she wants will not agree to move to another country if she cannot live a similar (or better!) kind of life. No one would agree to change his or her life for worse.

I often come across foreign men who don’t want to meet with a woman without higher education even though they themselves do not have one. This always surprises me. They want a beautiful, smart, educated, self-sufficient woman, for example a doctor, a bank manager, a lawyer, or a government employee. At this point it is time to think carefully – what can you offer to the woman who is successful enough and doesn’t really need anything except a family?  We have to keep in mind that her level of comfort has to remain the same or to become even better. Here I can see several possible situations.

Situation 1.  A man doesn’t want (or cannot afford) his woman to be a housewife and a mother; he needs a woman who also works. However, a Russian woman won’t be able to find a job as good as the one she already has in Russia, and she is not willing to become a waitress or a dishwasher for obvious reasons.

Situation 2.A man doesn’t mind that his wife stays at home, but the woman doesn’t want to live her life like that. She wants to work, but she doesn’t realize how hard it will be to become employed in another country. Nobody tells her about the reality of getting a job in a foreign country. She naively thinks that she will learn the language very fast and then be able to get the same type of job as in Russia, working as a doctor, a teacher, or a bank employee. When the time comes, she realizes how mistaken she was and feels disappointed. You probably know how much time is needed to learn the language on a professional level and receive education in another country. With Russian education, even if you know the language perfectly, a good job will remain just a dream. All this leads to arguments and problems in the family.

Situation 3.A woman is willing to become a housewife, and you don’t mind that either. In this case you need to decide in advance how you will manage your family money. How much money will your wife have to buy things she wants? What exactly will she be able to afford and how often? You need to discuss this to avoid misunderstandings and arguments in the future. No woman would want to sit at home without working and having any pocket money because she is used to a different lifestyle.

Men who are already married to Russian women know that having a Russian wife is not economical. Even modest and simple Russian girls will have to go to Russia regularly to visit their parents and other relatives, or to invite them to the new country and pay for their trip there.

I have written about it in my other article, and I will repeat it again: a woman has to know exactly what she can expect in her marriage. She needs to know that for your own benefit. There is no need to promise great fortunes and riches if you are unable to provide them. You have to be honest and tell her the facts so she can make her decision. If you lie, she will be disappointed later on and your marriage will end.

What else do I see quite often? Men come to me for the individual wife search. In order to do my job well, I need to know what type of woman the man is seeking. Some men cannot give me any meaningful response when I ask them what kind of life awaits their future wives and how they imagine their lives with Russian women. Do they want women to work or to sit at home, taking care of the household?  Do they realize that a well-educated woman will not be willing to work as a dishwasher in a restaurant? Amazingly, men cannot answer these questions.  I get an impression that they are looking not only for a beautiful doll, but also for a free maid. It is no secret that Russian women are the best wives in the world. Well, this won’t work. Russian women also know their value, and in exchange for what they give you they need to receive something back. A one-sided relationship will not work. Russian women, like all other women in the world, have their own needs, dreams, and wishes that they want to come true. Like any human being, a Russian woman wants to better her life – not the other way around.

Yes, there are many trickster girls who are into scams, but there are also good women who are being tricked by bad guys.

Dear men! If you cannot answer the above simple questions honestly, please, do not discombobulate women. Then you better look for a wife in your own country, or at least a girl who speaks your language fluently.

Think about what I wrote, and maybe you’ll change your mind about looking for a Russian wife. I doubt that they will speak honestly with you in another agency; very often, the truth is being hidden because it is more profitable that way. Agencies look for clients who come to their websites and pay money for it. Nobody cares what happens after that to them and to their dates.

Why do I prefer the individual search?

I am asking the other agencies to forgive me in advance; they’ll probably want to kill me after reading this article )) To tell you the truth, I had doubts about letting my readers know about the shady side of dating agencies, but after giving it some thought I decided that sharing this information will be useful.

Most girls whose profiles you find on the best dating websites are dating agencies’ clients. Websites profit from this – the more women post on them, the more men register, so the website owners get more money from its users. Some sites tell you a member of what dating agency the woman is, but others don’t mention this at all. Very often website owners have no idea if women are dating agency clients or not because these agencies create dating profiles for their clients. And women themselves often hide the fact that they are members of some dating agency.

What’s so bad about a woman being in the agency? Nothing. It’s even better if a woman uses services of a good dating agency that takes responsibility for its clients, knows them personally, and checks their identity, etc., which enables the agency to guarantee that its clients aren’t scammers. Of course, this is a good thing.

However, there is one disadvantage that men are unaware of. Very few women can write insightful letters that interest a man so much that he would want to meet personally and come all the way to Russia or Ukraine. After all, a personal meeting, and, hopefully, marriage is the ultimate goal. A girl who doesn’t speak English very well simply cannot produce a letter that would attract attention of a potential husband. For the same reason many girls cannot use phone or Skype. That’s why agencies write letters for their clients.))

Someone might argue, “What’s so bad about that? It’s fine as long as the letter contains no lies.” Well, personally I wouldn’t want to go to another country to meet a person who I know only through letters written by somebody else. He or she might be a completely different person who most likely won’t interest me. It is for this reason that most meetings don’t have any continuation. But men don’t know this, and there’s no way to check if the letters they receive are written by their potential dates or by somebody else. They write to women, come to their home countries, go on dates with several of them, but never find the one who they’d like to marry.

Count how much money you spend on all these trips that lead to nothing. Isn’t it better to pay for the individual search and meet several women during the same visit – women who are found specifically for you, taking in consideration your criteria? It is your choice!

Is it easy to find a Russian wife?

Is it easy to find a Russian wife?

Perhaps most men who were lucky in their search for a loved one or who are just thinking of finding a Russian wife would answer, “Of course it is easy, what’s so difficult about it? There are hundreds of thousands of Russian women on various dating sites – just choose the one you like!”

But it only seems easy. We must realize that the percentage of truly good, family oriented girls isn’t that high. Some men I meet at work believe that about 90% of women are scammers. I think that even if they are exaggerating  the number a bit, they are not too far from truth. Men often complain that women post photos that were taken 10 years ago, and when they finally meet, women look 10years older and 20 pounds heavier. Who is to blame here? You should have met your potential date in Skype first, or maybe asked her to send you a recent picture with the date on it.

It is much worse when a woman looks even better that on her photo, and it seems that your mutual happiness is just a step away, but in reality this beautiful woman is already married and meeting you is just her side job. There are many possible scenarios. For example, she can play sick and ask you for the money to buy expensive medicine to help her get better faster so that she can be with you. After you give her the money, you’ll probably never see her again. Or, this woman can go on regular dates with you, and at some point she will tell you a sad story of her sick mother or grandmother who needs a sitter that the family cannot afford. You’ll probably offer her financial help after that. After all, you haven’t come all the way to Russia to spend your time alone in your hotel room. It is not going to be fun to stay here without your date. Most people speak only Russian, so even going to a restroom will be a problem because no one will understand you ))

In another scenario, a girl can ask you to pay for her foreign language courses. She needs them because she met you and fell in love with you at the first sight. However, when you are already back to your country, she will write you a letter saying that she thought things over and decided that you aren’t really her type, or maybe she changed her mind and doesn’t want to marry a foreign man after all.

“What should I do then?” you’ll probably ask. Don’t be shy. Ask her for her phone number. Meet in Skype using an online translator if she doesn’t speak English. Ask her to send you a scanned page of her passport where marriage information is located. Give her a link to this article )) However, these are simple preventive measures, and of course they don’t guarantee anything. You cannot read your date’s thoughts.

What else can be done? Well, a really good dating agency would do. In men’s opinion, 90% of all dating agencies are scammers working together with the women. Pay attention to details, use your intuition, learn from others’ mistakes, and read forum posts written by real users. Do not read reviews – we all know who writes them. Take your search for a wife seriously and minimize the risk of getting into an unpleasant situation.

It is best to use “Individual search” option if an agency offers it. But first learn what exactly you’ll get for the money you pay. Some agencies ask 10000 dollars for the individual search, and all you get are detailed questionnaires of women with several pages of their biography, which won’t tell you who they really are anyway.

In my next article read about the reason why I think the individual search is the best solution.

Emotional infertility – the 21st century problem

Among many problems of the modern society is the one called “emotional infertility” – an issue which leads to birth rate decline. This new term was introduced by sociologists not so long ago. Emotional infertility is characterized by women’s conscious or unconscious refusal to bear children.

The term “emotional infertility” is based upon the idea that a woman is physically able to conceive, bear, and raise a healthy child, but has no desire to do so. Why does this happen? What is going on with modern women?

Women of the new generation seek to have careers. They want to be confident, self-sufficient, successful, and not dependent on men, they want to stand firmly on their feet. This leads to becoming choosier when it comes to getting into a serious relationship with a partner. The chosen one has to be a great man and a perfect father.

What reasons drive women? Very often demands placed upon the chosen man are just too high and unrealistic. Women look for intelligence, good looks, strength, the ability to make decisions, financial stability, the ability to love, self-realization, etc. It is hard to find all these qualities in a single person, and the discrepancy between dreams and real qualities of the potential partner leads to loneliness and refusal to have kids. For a modern woman, her future children’s father has to be an ideal man; she is not ready to accept him with all his real flaws. 

Emotional infertility problem has touched not only single women, but the married ones as well. Today there exists a high number of married women who refuse to have children with their husbands. Subconsciously, they do not see them as fathers of their potential children. It doesn’t lead to immediate break up, but emotional infertility does cause family problems, and, in more critical situations, leads to divorce. 

Today’s specialists have not come up with any medicine that could cure emotional infertility. It is seen as a psychological dysfunction, and psychological therapy can be used to correct the problem. Only a professional psychotherapist can help sort things out, find existing problems, and look for the solution.

Mothers and fathers need to instill in their daughters the desire to become wives and mothers. At the same time, being a wife and a mother doesn’t conflict with being a successful professional. Every woman can reach success both in her family life and on her chosen career path. Before looking for the flaws in our partners, we need to look at ourselves. Self-cultivation is useful for everyone.

What should alarm you in the letters you receive from Russian women?

If you have already written to several women, and especially if you were “lucky” enough to come across scammers, you’ve probably noticed that different women write different type of letters. There is a special category of letters, in which women start talking about love way too soon. In the second or third letter to you they already write that they are in love, that you are the one and only man they’ve been waiting for, et cetera. Of course, it’s flattering to read such things, and what single man wouldn’t want to hear something like that, especially if he normally doesn’t get too much attention from women? Here we have a young Russian beauty telling him she loves him. How could anybody resist? Full of joy, you’ll send her money and presents, and that’s exactly what she is trying to get.

Very often such “love” letters are written using the same sample, and only the men’s names change. It’s really easy to find these samples in English in the Internet; you don’t even need to spend time on making it up yourself. Also, one could buy the whole book of sample letters and use a different one every day.  

These kinds of letters can have a very strong psychological effect on a single person. It can be considered a type of a psychological weapon – a manipulation tool. It is similar to how governments and media manipulate their subjects. Of course, manipulating one person cannot be compared to a large scale manipulation of an entire nation, but in terms of how it works it is essentially the same. When a man hears that he is loved, he seeks to fulfill a role given to him by the nature itself – a role of a protector.

In psychoanalysis, there is something called “archetypes” – a concept, created by Carl Jung. One of these archetypes is the Protector. A “protector” mechanism exists in every male’s mind, so when a man hears about love, it flatters his ego, and subconsciously he feels the need or desire to protect, provide, or just make a woman feel good. His subconscious is telling him, “So what if she is not my ideal woman? She says that she likes ME, so she needs me. She needs my protection and support. By the way, she is not that bad after all…”

Dear men, trust me, Russian women don’t function like this. If a girl is serious about a relationship, she will never write love letters without seeing you in person first. She is smart enough to know that only a real life meeting will show if any true feelings can possibly form between you two and if a relationship can develop. A serious woman won’t feed you love words in advance.

Foreign men often conclude their letters with kisses, call a woman “my dear”, or even add “I love you”. When women receive such letters, they usually ask me, “How can he tell me he loves me if he hasn’t even seen me once?” I have to explain that this has to do with cultural differences. For people from different countries the words “I love you” can mean something less serious, for example, “I like you”.

Without a doubt, a love letter is a very romantic thing. It’s a quest! But everything has to be done at the right time. So, when you receive this type of letter, think about timing. Is it suitable to talk about love at this particular moment of your relationship with a certain woman? If the answer is “no”, it might be a reason to become cautious.

Age difference in international marriages.

Another question has been raised by one of my clients. Very often young Russian women write love letters to older men who could be their fathers or even grandfathers. Are these women truly interested in men who are so much older than themselves?
Of course they are not, and it’s strange that men don’t realize that. In these letters, men are being tricked, and it’s better to recognize that right away instead of building hopes and going crazy because a young girl fell in love with you. In 99% of the cases girls who write love letters to you, an older guy, are interested only in your money. Some men, however, simply refuse to believe this, and eventually lose their wealth. And they keep making the same mistake over and over again! But it is so easy to check if a woman is truly interested in you. Just change your profile information. For example, write that you are a clerk working in some small company, and that you have a plain, but decent life. You are not starving, of course, you prefer a healthy lifestyle, and once in a while you are able to afford to travel somewhere not too pricey. You cannot promise your future wife a luxurious lifestyle, but you do guarantee that you’ll care for, respect, and love her. Make something up, post it in your profile, and see if any young girls will be interested in you ))
It’s a totally different story when men understand exactly what these girls want, accept it, and play along. They want to have a young Russian wife or girlfriend, and they are ready to pay for it because they cannot get what they want any other way.

International marriages between people with great age differences do happen. I see it as a deal of some sort. And why not, after all? Poor, desperate young women often marry older guys. A man receives a young beautiful woman in exchange for his money. The woman is not suffering; her life improves tremendously, she doesn’t have to worry about survival anymore. She can turn out to be a nice person and become a truly great wife for this rich man. With time, she may even fall in love with her older husband. However, this doesn’t happen all the time, so men should be cautious.
It often happens that a woman doesn’t want to get married to her older admirer. All she wants is to get as much money from him as she can while being happily married to a Russian husband. It’s interesting that many men are willing to give their money away. It seems that they lose their wits while being with a young, beautiful woman.
If you are not a client of a dating or marriage agency that checks women and takes responsibility for both parties, it won’t hurt to ask your potential wife or girlfriend to send you her scanned passport pages. A clean family status page means that she is not married. Two stamps mean she’s been married and divorced.

Unfortunately, going to a dating agency doesn’t always guarantee that you’ll meet a woman who truly wants to create a family. Many agencies out there are scammers working with the women who are out there to trick you. This is why you should be careful when choosing an agency.

Going for a vacation with a Russian woman.

Very often after a first meeting a man offers a woman to meet again on a neutral territory. For example, if a man is from Australia or New Zealand and a woman is from Russia, it might be convenient to spend a vacation together in Thailand. Normally a man would take care of all the expenses, including those of a woman he wants to meet. It’s not because Russian women want to travel as somebody else’s expense and then pay off with their bodies. These kinds of girls exist too, but we are not talking about prostitutes here. We are discussing normal women who seek to create a family, who get a regular Russian salary, which is not enough to visit even Crimea, let alone Thailand! Most of these women have never been abroad. Some of them have traveled to Turkey or Egypt which are the most affordable places to go if you live in Russia. Men know all this and are happy to cover the travel expenses. However, there are cases when these journeys turn into nightmarish experiences for women. Thankfully, these cases are very rare.
This is another real life story. Please read this article if you are going to invite a Russian girl for a vacation abroad.

A man meets a woman, and a relationship starts. He offers to have their first meeting in Thailand. She cannot afford this because her entire salary is used to support her kids. Moreover, she’s already used her vacation time this year, and her next vacation is eight months from now, so she can miss work only at her own expense. This is unacceptable for her because she doesn’t want to lose money. If she takes a vacation, she’ll receive only one fifth of her regular salary once she is back to work. Her salary is composed mainly from the percent of the sales she makes.
The woman explains all this and invites the man to come to Russia instead, but he states that he is ready to pay for all the expenses, including whatever money she is going to lose while missing work. The woman agrees and for the first time in her life travels abroad. She is taking her credit card with her.

Three days later this woman contacts me in Skype, and, crying, says that she is always hungry because the food in the restaurants where they eat is served raw. Yes, people eat raw food in Thailand, and Russian people aren’t used to that. The woman has to eat whatever is given to her because the man doesn’t take her to the more expensive restaurants where the food is actually cooked. Of course, this is not the end of the world, and by the end of this trip the woman even feels fond of the raw food ))

One day the woman sees some body cream in the store and pays for it with her credit card. Right after that the card gets blocked by the bank. She didn’t know that she had to go to the bank and get a special permission to use the card abroad. As a result, she is now out of money. During the vacation she comes across various souvenirs and little things that she likes, but she cannot buy anything anymore. The man doesn’t even think of buying one or two inexpensive things for her, but it’s fine. He doesn’t really have to do that, right? She can survive without them.
But these little things are nothing in comparison to what she feels like when he insults her. She is young and beautiful, she attracts people’s attention, and now and then men ask if she is his wife. The man repeatedly answers right in front of her, not feeling a bit of shame, “Oh, no, of course not! My wife is in New Zealand. This is my Russian girlfriend!”

And this is done by a potential husband who is supposed to be looking for a Russian wife! The woman realizes that she is being used like a pretty toy. The man is flattered to be escorted by a young, beautiful, smart girl, and he enjoys seeing the envy in other men’s eyes! To feed his ego, he is ready to pay for the plane tickets and restaurants with raw food for the woman. It’ O.K. because he is rich enough, he can afford it.
After the vacation, the man walks the woman to the airport and says his good bye.
Arriving to Moscow, the woman calls me and tells me that she has no money to get home to Belgorod because her credit card is blocked. The man knew that but decided to ignore the fact, and the woman didn’t ask him for the money. There’s no need to mention that he never compensated her salary losses.

Dear men! If you invite a woman to spend some time abroad and say that you’ll take care of all the expenses, please, make sure that the woman has the means to get back home, that she can buy a plane ticket HOME, not just to Moscow from where she’ll have to take another plane or a train.
And, most importantly, if you call yourselves men, be them and behave like gentlemen. Don’t insult women even if you are only playing being serious, but in reality plan to just have a good time with a beautiful woman. A true gentleman would never act like this anyway; he wouldn’t use a girl who is looking for a husband and a family. There are other kinds of girls to use for mere entertainment, and you can find lots of them in the Internet. So, what is the problem?

Why do Russian women marry so early?

I asked one of my foreign clients what kind of articles he would like to read on my blog. He bombarded me with questions, and one of them was the following: Why do Russian women get married and have kids so young? He faced this issue while he was looking for a Russian wife. All the girls he would choose were either divorced or single mothers. 

The case is that it is traditional for a Russian woman to marry early. It has become a custom and is now a part of the Russian culture. There is a widespread stereotype that if a 24-25 year old girl is unmarried, she’s considered an old maid. However strange it may sound, but psychologically, Russian girls would feel better married and divorced than never married.

One of my “never married” acquaintances, a 31 year old woman who for some personal reasons refuses to use dating sites and agencies to find a husband, has admitted to me that it is very difficult for her to attend family celebrations and reunions. She cannot stand pitying glances and questions from her relatives about when she’ll finally get married.

For the most part, Russian women get married while attending a college or a university, when they are 18-20 years old. It’s easier to find a husband at school; very often they marry their classmates. Being children themselves, they form families and start having kids. The reasonable question to ask is how these young families support themselves if both parents are still unemployed students.

The answer is simple: they survive thanks to their parents. In Russia, parents help their children as long as they have the strength and the means to do so. This is also a Russian tradition. For example, my 80 year old neighbor is using his money to build a cottage for his good-for-nothing 55 year old son.

This is why young people don’t really bother to think about how their young family will manage, especially if they come from a well-to-do family. In this case, the wedding will be paid by the parents who will also give the young ones an apartment and a car. They will also pay for the university and take care of all the general expenses of the newlyweds.

But not all parents are capable of providing their children with such luxurious lifestyle. In poorer families, children live with their parents, staying in one of the rooms. If there is no extra room for them, they rent an apartment and start working part time while going to school, and their parents help them out as much as they can.

The Russian belief in “on the off chance” also plays a significant role in this. Young people don’t think seriously about contraception, hoping they’ll be lucky not to get pregnant, but of course the pregnancy does happen, and they have to marry, but these kinds of marriages eventually fall apart.

In the resent years the situation has started to change. Young people are not in a hurry to get married and take on all the burdens of the family life. They want to get an education, find jobs, and get a desired career. They save money to buy cars and houses, they date, but… they don’t marry, which also becomes a problem for women. Since young guys are not in a hurry to get married, women simply don’t have anyone to marry! It has become a saying that if you don’t find a husband while attending a university, you’ll never get married. ))

The times of the Soviet Union have passed. Back then students would have guaranteed stable jobs once they were done with school. The government would provide them with apartments, so it was much easier to start a family. Today it’s not easy for young men because they are the ones who have to provide for the family. That’s why they don’t rush to marry.

Because of all this girls try to marry as soon as possible, and, taking into consideration the divorce rate, later become divorced single mothers.

What is the best way to meet people online?

Despite the emergence of a wide variety of communication tools and the existence of the Internet, problems such as loneliness and lack of social interactions still exist in our society. People are still preoccupied with the question of where to find their true love, and they often turn to the Internet to solve personal life problems. It’s important to know how to socialize online and avoid being misunderstood or rejected.It’s hard to imagine that anyone in our society doesn’t have at least one profile in any of the various social networks, and many of us have already experienced being bugged by the online admirers. We usually ignore or ban these kinds of suitors, and there might be many reasons for rejection: bad grammar, lack of respect, dirty talk, cheesy compliments, or just lack of interest in making new acquaintances. To get positive results when looking for a potential partner, we have to take all these things into consideration and act accordingly. For example, a simple “Hello! Do you mind if I talk to you?” has more chances to get any kind of reply than something like “Hey, beautiful! How are you, how’s life?” The key point is that we should save compliments for later.

People are often disgusted by someone who is clearly looking for a sex partner. Everyone wants to be appreciated firstly for their inner beauty.How can we meet people in the Internet? The easiest way is to go to a professional cyber-matchmaker – a dating site. Here you can chat, send private messages, and choose a potential soul mate by looking at a list of profiles. The only problem is that fewer and fewer people turn to these sites to find their other half for a serious relationship. Many users are simply looking for short-term, frivolous relationships. Cynics offer one night stands, romantics – love that lasts just a couple of weeks. If two mature, free people want to meet and try dating each other, why not? This can work too, and it may grow into something more serious. Whatever the case, we should still remember about mutual respect, politeness, and proper grammar and spelling.Another way to find someone online without being taken for a loser or a pervert is to write on theme forums or in online interest groups. Here you won’t have to explain yourself or try to prove something because everyone is on the same page, united by the same interests. Every forum has a chat room or a place where you can socialize, congratulate others, share your thoughts and personal achievements. You can find your potential “victim” here. It is easier to get to know one another in the common chat room. Then you can move to a private chat room by asking a question about something that is interesting for both of you. It’s great if members of your chosen forum or an online group organize regular real-life meetings. This works wonderful for the shy, insecure people because it gives them a chance to meet in a group and talk to someone they are interested in while avoiding the discomfort of the first date in a café or a movie theatre. All the advices about making friends and looking for potential soul mates online will be useless if you don’t follow some important principles of a successful online communication. One of them is to be truthful, no matter if you are planning to meet in real life or not. Don’t lie about serious things and don’t use a fake biography. It’s even worse if you become too open and tell everything about yourself at once, including intimate details about your personal life. It’s best to find the golden mean. Then socializing will bring only positive experiences.

A foreigner's real letter to Russian girl.

Dearest Karina,
how are you?
I keep reading your last email, it really give me joy to read about your life and sometimes I imagine myself near you, doing the simple like task together with you.
Today I want to tell you more about my life, my job and my lifestyle; I do know that money and stuff are not the most important things when there is love but at the same time we are not children anymore so, in some way, also money are a little bit important so, I'm going to tell you everything and how I will imagine our life together, at least at the start.
As you already know I'm not rich and if I must say the truth I'm happy about it ... if I was rich I never would know if someone will love me for how I am or for my money and other than that ... I would probably be way more superficial ... in some way I think that money are like a curse (and this is why there are really few rich people with a happy family ... they always get divorced and they do not grow their own child because they are too busy to make money).
I earn 1000£ a month (more or less) and 220£ goes in the rent of my house; as you know I live with other 2 men and 1 girl (girlfriend of 1 of this men) and if you agree, at the start, I would like to keep living here all together, we'll be like a big family :)  This will allow us to have some few more money till you will not find a job here (a flat just for us will cost around 400 that's almost the double).
With all the bills I do spend around 400£ (so the rent, electricity, internet, gas and so on), 150£ for the food and another 150£ to go to restaurant with friends sometimes or just outside with them to have a drink; that's so a total of 700£ a month.
The other 300£ (and some more) it'll be just for you when you will be here with me; as you can see it's not much (well not few also) and I'm sure that with some sacrifice we will be able to do everything (hoping that you will find soon a job, I hope you will not need more than 6 months to learn the language and find a job you like).
The only thing I can guarantee is that you will always have a nice house, hot in the winter and cold in the summer (well, in Belfast it's always cold so...), good food and dress...maybe we can't buy the new dress from Armani or maybe we will need to wait for sales but we will be fine; I can promise that I'll always massage you when you'll be tired and I'll always cook for you if you will be sick but I can't promise you that we will travel around the world and see the most expensive place (also if I would like to see the Hawaii at least one time).
One or two weekend every year we can also go somewhere, maybe in Paris or Prague, I think it's quite romantic city (but I never been there) and we can have few holidays too, maybe to go back to Russia to meet your parents that I'm sure you will miss a lot.
Maybe I can buy them a little computer with the webcam so, when I'm at work, you can be in Skype with them (well also when I am not at work, just, as you wish) and if we will see that the money will not be enough I'll just wait you in Belfast and use the money to let you go alone to meet your parents (also if you know that I'm quite jealous so...I do not like too much the idea of my wife travelling alone but if it's just for the beginning and because we will not have enough money...if it's to meet your parents than it's ok, you can go I'll not give you problems ...not too much at least :P ).
I just want your happiness and I hope you want mine and so I know how important are your parents for you so, it's not a problem I'll do the impossible to make you happy ... and maybe it'll not be possible, not always at least, but I hope you'll be happy just thinking that I'm doing my best to always keep your beautiful smile on your face.
It's already few months that we write to each other and feelings are growing faster than I thought so I think that it's time for you to start to think seriously about our life together ... there will be many problems, I already knew but maybe you wasn't completely thinking about it; there will be some language barrier, you will miss your parents and friends (Skype will help a little bit but anyway...) and I do understand that this change of life can be scarry a little but I will never let you down and I'll be always here for you ... but you have to think about this things because I do not want that we will get married and after few motnhs you will understand that for you it's too hard to be far from your actual life.
In my idea you will need 6 months to learn well English and another 6 months you can spend finding a job you like but after this time you than will need to accept any job that will come (waiter maybe, or housekeeper) but I'll help you to find a nice job and anyway, if it's needed to be a waiter, we will keep looking toegether for a better job and than you can change it when you will find.
That's it, all for today, I hope I didn't scare you too much and I would love to say that love will be enough for everything but sadly like is not so romantic as I am and fairytales doesn't completely exist ... but I'm sure that a life with you near me will be a fairy tale, the most beautiful one!
If there is love we will always find a solution, in a way or in another.
Waiting your answer I'm wishing you a wonderfull day, full of happiness.
With feelings Ben.

The letter is published with Ben's permission. 

What do you absolutely have to tell your future Russian wife?

This is a real life story.

A man from New Zealand comes to Russia to meet my agency's client. They are not romantically involved, so I introduce him to another woman. I must make it clear that this young woman is not some sad, unemployed, desperate person in search of a potential husband who’d solve all her problems. Not at all! This woman is smart, beautiful, and educated. She gets a lot of attention from men, but she is looking for her true love. She is not poor either. According to Russian standards, her $1000 salary is not bad, but one cannot call her rich either. She has two sons. One of them is thirteen, and another one is two years old. She rents an apartment and lives from salary to salary, but her family eats healthy, dresses well, and goes to Crimea every summer. Her parents live in the countryside and help raise the kids. Her life is set, and she does have things to lose.    

The New Zealand man meets her and they immediately feel mutual attraction. I could call it love. Everything is well until the man asks her to move to New Zealand for half a year. He wants to know if she is ready to leave Russia and move to another country with him. He doesn’t want to marry a woman with two kids, so he suggests that she leaves one of her children with the grandparents. This is unacceptable for a normal Russian woman, but that’s not the point now. To leave Russia for six months, she has to quit her stable job. If something happens and the relationship doesn’t work out the way they hope it will, she’ll have to return to Russia. She won’t be able to find another good job easily. She cannot work for $200 a month either – this won’t be enough to pay for the apartment and to support her kids. For these reasons moving to another country is a serious step. It requires a lot of careful thinking.

That’s why the woman asks some innocent and very important questions: How will my children and I survive in another country? Where will we get the money? Will I be able to work? What kind of salary will I get? Will I be given some pocket money while I adapt to the new country, learn the language, and  find a job?   

The man is a very wealthy farmer. He doesn’t give any intelligible answers. He only says that the woman will be able to work. For example, she can work on his farm. The woman loves working the land, so she gladly agrees and asks her boyfriend how much he will pay her for work. He, in turn, wonders why all Russian women think only about money. “What does money have to do with anything? We are in love with each other, why talk about money?” The woman answers that she cannot go into the unknown with her two children. She needs to feed and dress them. They can get sick and may need expensive medical treatments. Her parents are growing older, and she needs to visit them at least once a year. Plane tickets are expensive as well. There are many other issues that have to be taken into consideration, and that’s why she is asking about what kind of money she can count on. Note that the woman doesn’t ask for money; she asks whether she’ll be able to earn it. She is ready to work, and she wants to know what kind of salary she can expect. The man doesn’t provide any satisfactory answers. He keeps saying, “You only have money on your mind, but what about our love?”

He also keeps calling me and writing letters to the agency, and I am trying to explain that women who decide to go to another country must know what to expect. They need to know how much money they will have, what kind of life they will live, how often they’ll be able to visit Russia, etc. These things are important to know in order to avoid problems and bitter feelings in the future.

The man describes the situation, their future life together, all the little details, and the woman decides if it works for her or not. The woman in our story has two children, and she has no moral right to risk their wellbeing by taking them into the unknown when they already have a descent life in Russia. The man, however, refuses to provide the answers. He only blames the woman for being crazy about the money. Of course, this relationship was destroyed because of lack of communication and understanding

You can draw your conclusions from this story. 

P.S.

The good thing is that the man didn’t try to fool his girlfriend. Otherwise the woman would probably find herself in a position of a slave on his farm. If she decided to return to Russia, she would have to rebuild her life from scratch.

Advice.

Dear men! Be honest and open about what kind of life and lifestyle the woman can count on. It doesn’t matter how rich you are. You must be truthful so that the woman can realistically picture her future with you in this international marriage. 

Where can we find love?

We live in the era of the Internet.!

When we need something, we connect and search for the information on the Web. We also use various dating sites to find love, and many men and women have found each other this way. But not everyone is fond of this method of looking for a partner. Many people are afraid of lies, of being cheated and used by scammers and frauds. Can we blame them for being distrustful and wary? Not really, because the Internet is full of the above mentioned liars, scammers, and cheats. However, there are plenty of unreliable liars and cheaters in real day-to-day life.

Let’s have a look at your regular weekday. You wake up in the morning. You get ready for work, and then walk to a bus or to a train station. You see people passing by, waiting for a bus next to you. You communicate with people at work. When you go home in the afternoon, you are also surrounded by people at the bus stop, in the supermarket, on the street… If we take into consideration all the people you come in contact with throughout your regular day, what do you think is the percentage of the good, trustworthy folks vs. cheaters and scammers? Just for the purposes of this discussion, let’s call them “good” and “bad”. You’d be surprised to find out that the percentages of the “good” and the “bad” people in real life are the same as in the Internet!

Yes, there are many more scammers in the Net. But there are many more good people as well simply because you can meet more people in the Internet than in real life. Your chances to find a soul mate are much higher than in real life because there are so many lonely hearts looking for love online.

We can compare it to a lottery. In lottery TV shows it seems that the winners are mostly people from big cities. Is it because they are luckier than people from small towns or the countryside? No, it’s just that there are more people living in the big city, and they buy more lottery tickets. As they purchase more tickets, there are more chances that they will come across the winning ones. The same thing happens with people who meet each other in the Internet.

Sometimes it happens that people spend weeks, months, even years looking for partners on various dating sites, but with no luck. Eventually they become desperate and conclude that it is impossible to find your true love in the Internet. But one should never give up! You should continue searching. Don’t give up what you have started. It is difficult to do, but the truth is that only a few people are lucky enough to find their soul mates right away, in the first several days or weeks. Many people need to walk a long way before they can find a loving partner and get married.

If they were able to do it, you can do it too! Not everyone is lucky from the very beginning, but consistency and persistence eventually pay off. The most important thing is to believe. Our dreams do come true. Don’t give up, and your love will find you!

You can contact me anytime if you have questions...