Is love a compromise?

Should people accept each other as is, or is it better to try rectifying one’s imperfect partner? Most people will answer this question sensibly – we should accept people as they are, and that’s the right way. Why then, knowing what’s right, do we do the opposite, thus destroying our families and killing our loves? Just think about it. How many divorces could be avoided if people were doing something more productive instead of trying to change one another? Those who understand this feel much happier.

Let’s look at one commonplace soccer situation. Most men love this sport and spend considerable amounts of time at the stadium or in front of the TV. Women hate that and keep nagging at their husbands. But what would happen if poor husbands objected our shopping or the time we spend with our girlfriends? Here is the compromise: while her husband watches soccer, the wife can chat with a girlfriend on the phone. It’s an open secret that many women love to sleep late in the morning. Let it happen only during the weekend since not everyone has an opportunity to get up late every day. Guys, really! The fair sex needs that beauty sleep. Women’s gorgeous looks, their attractiveness directly depend on the number of hours they spend in bed.

Do husbands let their wives sleep? No! They growl, call their loved ones “lazy”, and demand a hot breakfast. Why don’t we try to find a compromise in this situation as well? If you like a big breakfast, make an agreement with your wife and let her prepare something the day before. In the morning you can warm your breakfast in the microwave. And if you are satisfied with a simple pair of sandwiches, a plate of oatmeal, or a coffee, you can prepare all this yourself. It is not that complicated and it’s worth to see your lovely wife in a great mood when she wakes up. When these little nothings of life take place, try to find agreements with each other. Talk – don’t be sulky. Don’t declare a boycott because it will not solve the problem.

Look for compromises. Don’t destroy your love. “My dear, I won’t tell you a word tomorrow evening, and I will let you watch the entire ballgame (meet with friends, attend a sauna, play dominoes, lotto, backgammon), and you will let me sleep until noon (visit a cosmetologist, meet with my girlfriend, buy a new dress, go to the movies with the kid), all right?” Then you’ll see how much more peaceful and relaxed your family environment will become. Know how to communicate and look for compromises!

Women and work.

In this article I would like to talk about work and women who marry foreigners and move to another country. The work issue needs to be discussed as soon as possible – preferably, at the first stage of becoming acquainted with one another. If the potential partners have different ideas and plans about work, their relationship is very likely to fail. It doesn’t make any sense to avoid talking about work because this issue will surface sooner or later anyway.

Before you start looking for a Russian wife, it is important to understand that any woman will agree to change her life so radically and move to another country only if she knows that this marriage and relocation will change her life for the better, not worse. Every woman has a different idea about what is this “better”. Any kind of a relatively well to do, comfortable life will seem like a paradise to a woman who has a low paid job, survives from paycheck to paycheck, has debts, eats bad food, and wears the same blouse for five years. She’ll learn the language of her new country and will be able to get a low paid job similar to that which she used to have in Russia. However, a woman who has higher education, a well-paid, professional job, an apartment and a car, and who is used to get things that she wants will not agree to move to another country if she cannot live a similar (or better!) kind of life. No one would agree to change his or her life for worse.

I often come across foreign men who don’t want to meet with a woman without higher education even though they themselves do not have one. This always surprises me. They want a beautiful, smart, educated, self-sufficient woman, for example a doctor, a bank manager, a lawyer, or a government employee. At this point it is time to think carefully – what can you offer to the woman who is successful enough and doesn’t really need anything except a family?  We have to keep in mind that her level of comfort has to remain the same or to become even better. Here I can see several possible situations.

Situation 1.  A man doesn’t want (or cannot afford) his woman to be a housewife and a mother; he needs a woman who also works. However, a Russian woman won’t be able to find a job as good as the one she already has in Russia, and she is not willing to become a waitress or a dishwasher for obvious reasons.

Situation 2.A man doesn’t mind that his wife stays at home, but the woman doesn’t want to live her life like that. She wants to work, but she doesn’t realize how hard it will be to become employed in another country. Nobody tells her about the reality of getting a job in a foreign country. She naively thinks that she will learn the language very fast and then be able to get the same type of job as in Russia, working as a doctor, a teacher, or a bank employee. When the time comes, she realizes how mistaken she was and feels disappointed. You probably know how much time is needed to learn the language on a professional level and receive education in another country. With Russian education, even if you know the language perfectly, a good job will remain just a dream. All this leads to arguments and problems in the family.

Situation 3.A woman is willing to become a housewife, and you don’t mind that either. In this case you need to decide in advance how you will manage your family money. How much money will your wife have to buy things she wants? What exactly will she be able to afford and how often? You need to discuss this to avoid misunderstandings and arguments in the future. No woman would want to sit at home without working and having any pocket money because she is used to a different lifestyle.

Men who are already married to Russian women know that having a Russian wife is not economical. Even modest and simple Russian girls will have to go to Russia regularly to visit their parents and other relatives, or to invite them to the new country and pay for their trip there.

I have written about it in my other article, and I will repeat it again: a woman has to know exactly what she can expect in her marriage. She needs to know that for your own benefit. There is no need to promise great fortunes and riches if you are unable to provide them. You have to be honest and tell her the facts so she can make her decision. If you lie, she will be disappointed later on and your marriage will end.

What else do I see quite often? Men come to me for the individual wife search. In order to do my job well, I need to know what type of woman the man is seeking. Some men cannot give me any meaningful response when I ask them what kind of life awaits their future wives and how they imagine their lives with Russian women. Do they want women to work or to sit at home, taking care of the household?  Do they realize that a well-educated woman will not be willing to work as a dishwasher in a restaurant? Amazingly, men cannot answer these questions.  I get an impression that they are looking not only for a beautiful doll, but also for a free maid. It is no secret that Russian women are the best wives in the world. Well, this won’t work. Russian women also know their value, and in exchange for what they give you they need to receive something back. A one-sided relationship will not work. Russian women, like all other women in the world, have their own needs, dreams, and wishes that they want to come true. Like any human being, a Russian woman wants to better her life – not the other way around.

Yes, there are many trickster girls who are into scams, but there are also good women who are being tricked by bad guys.

Dear men! If you cannot answer the above simple questions honestly, please, do not discombobulate women. Then you better look for a wife in your own country, or at least a girl who speaks your language fluently.

Think about what I wrote, and maybe you’ll change your mind about looking for a Russian wife. I doubt that they will speak honestly with you in another agency; very often, the truth is being hidden because it is more profitable that way. Agencies look for clients who come to their websites and pay money for it. Nobody cares what happens after that to them and to their dates.

What do you absolutely have to tell your future Russian wife?

This is a real life story.

A man from New Zealand comes to Russia to meet my agency's client. They are not romantically involved, so I introduce him to another woman. I must make it clear that this young woman is not some sad, unemployed, desperate person in search of a potential husband who’d solve all her problems. Not at all! This woman is smart, beautiful, and educated. She gets a lot of attention from men, but she is looking for her true love. She is not poor either. According to Russian standards, her $1000 salary is not bad, but one cannot call her rich either. She has two sons. One of them is thirteen, and another one is two years old. She rents an apartment and lives from salary to salary, but her family eats healthy, dresses well, and goes to Crimea every summer. Her parents live in the countryside and help raise the kids. Her life is set, and she does have things to lose.    

The New Zealand man meets her and they immediately feel mutual attraction. I could call it love. Everything is well until the man asks her to move to New Zealand for half a year. He wants to know if she is ready to leave Russia and move to another country with him. He doesn’t want to marry a woman with two kids, so he suggests that she leaves one of her children with the grandparents. This is unacceptable for a normal Russian woman, but that’s not the point now. To leave Russia for six months, she has to quit her stable job. If something happens and the relationship doesn’t work out the way they hope it will, she’ll have to return to Russia. She won’t be able to find another good job easily. She cannot work for $200 a month either – this won’t be enough to pay for the apartment and to support her kids. For these reasons moving to another country is a serious step. It requires a lot of careful thinking.

That’s why the woman asks some innocent and very important questions: How will my children and I survive in another country? Where will we get the money? Will I be able to work? What kind of salary will I get? Will I be given some pocket money while I adapt to the new country, learn the language, and  find a job?   

The man is a very wealthy farmer. He doesn’t give any intelligible answers. He only says that the woman will be able to work. For example, she can work on his farm. The woman loves working the land, so she gladly agrees and asks her boyfriend how much he will pay her for work. He, in turn, wonders why all Russian women think only about money. “What does money have to do with anything? We are in love with each other, why talk about money?” The woman answers that she cannot go into the unknown with her two children. She needs to feed and dress them. They can get sick and may need expensive medical treatments. Her parents are growing older, and she needs to visit them at least once a year. Plane tickets are expensive as well. There are many other issues that have to be taken into consideration, and that’s why she is asking about what kind of money she can count on. Note that the woman doesn’t ask for money; she asks whether she’ll be able to earn it. She is ready to work, and she wants to know what kind of salary she can expect. The man doesn’t provide any satisfactory answers. He keeps saying, “You only have money on your mind, but what about our love?”

He also keeps calling me and writing letters to the agency, and I am trying to explain that women who decide to go to another country must know what to expect. They need to know how much money they will have, what kind of life they will live, how often they’ll be able to visit Russia, etc. These things are important to know in order to avoid problems and bitter feelings in the future.

The man describes the situation, their future life together, all the little details, and the woman decides if it works for her or not. The woman in our story has two children, and she has no moral right to risk their wellbeing by taking them into the unknown when they already have a descent life in Russia. The man, however, refuses to provide the answers. He only blames the woman for being crazy about the money. Of course, this relationship was destroyed because of lack of communication and understanding

You can draw your conclusions from this story. 

P.S.

The good thing is that the man didn’t try to fool his girlfriend. Otherwise the woman would probably find herself in a position of a slave on his farm. If she decided to return to Russia, she would have to rebuild her life from scratch.

Advice.

Dear men! Be honest and open about what kind of life and lifestyle the woman can count on. It doesn’t matter how rich you are. You must be truthful so that the woman can realistically picture her future with you in this international marriage.